I don't have anybody to talk to, anymore. Thats one of the most outrageous things I've said in a long time... but it's for real. I mean, I've got my mom. But I'm talking someone else. Like I used to have Katie or Jilly Bean or Teezy.. and I know I've still got teezy but that's not always the best person for me to have to talk to. I don't even know what I would talk about if I had someone, anyway. I just don't feel right. I always feel so much more alone than I am or really even have to be. But it's because I'm having such a hard time fully catching a grasp on myself. I'm so blank and empty. I don't know what I like. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know who I am at all. I know who I was. And I know who I'd like to be. There are just so many things I have to say. And they're all about pointless "nobody gives a fuck" stuff. Mainly myself. What I think. What I am going through.. which is weird, cuz I don't think I have enough going on in my life to be going through anything, really. Maybe that's why I feel like I have so much loss of my Me. I've basically gone from a fully packed non-scheduled day to a scheduled routine of nothing. It's a big problem for me. It makes me dependant. I've noticed myself latching and clinging to things and people when it's uneccessary, and unhealthy. I've started into living life through others because I'm too busy lacking in self-importance to try to put my life back together so I can start living mine. What's even more entertaining is that I actually get frustrated, upset and even annoyed at the people trying to motivate or push me into the direction of the path I'm blindly scrambling to reconnect to.
I'm thinking my main priority to get myself to accomplish anything at all would depend on my number one issue; If I could learn to give a damn about myself maybe I'd gain some initiative and desire to do something for myself. I mean, it's nothing I shouldn't be able to snap out of without some self control and mental strength. I don't believe in anything, which makes it hard to believe in myself..... or maybe it's the other way around. I don't know. Maybe I just have no faith at all, that could be an explanation. I don't believe in existing. I don't believe in happiness. Or success. The only thing I believe in is freedom. But the truth is you can not know freedom without limits. And I should understand the balance of it because thats the reason i don't believe in anything else... everything cancels everything out... I don't want to get into it. But it is true; without limits we can never know freedom. But I see freedom as my existence. And My limitations are my body and the outside world. Therefore I want to be free to do my thing. I want to be able to do my life my way, I only get this once. Why not do it my way? If it ends up being what I don't want and I don't need- even can't repair in the longrun- it's my freedom to make that choice and mistake and I will be free to do what I feel free to do afterwards. I don't understand why I would spend my life stressing, straining, paining myself everyday to do something that I don't enjoy or want to do. I don't want to endure the majority of my time in a situation that I don't enjoy and I don't gain anything from, either. I'd rather take my time making myself happy and doing what I would like to do in my own time, and get to what I feel is the right thing to do at the right time for me. Basically, if I am going to be doing the same thing everyday for most of my life, it's going to be something I know I like and will benefit from, whether it is financially or just mentally. And I am not going to stress and pressure myself just to make the society and outsiders stop judging and criticizing. Shut up and think about how much you wish you were able to do what you please with no boundaries or restraints. It's not my fault you don't have the brains and means to live that way and successfully be able to continue on with forward movement. Anyone can, they just need to know what they need to accomplish and keep certain aspects in mind for future tense.
Happiness. That has been a tough one for me. I mean- I understand it. I've felt it. But it seems more like a tennis game. If you're not on one side, you're on the other.. you're just waiting for that one hit that will send you back to the opposite. I mean, every serve and return is just a newer level of intensity. You start out knowing simple happiness, joy of ignorance, we'll say. Then, simple upset, which would be standard discomfort. Like going from warmth to cold- birth. First upset. First change of feeling; From comfortable and content to an all new unknown disruption of experience. The first serve and return. The return to the other side of the court of joy would probably be followed by a new feeling of comfort- a blanket, food, mom. All new experiences, but all new joy, because it's returning you from that distress. It just continues on like that through life. Back. Forth. Back. Forth. All the while never mattering which side of the court the ball finally drops on, because it would be the ending of your game. Tie. Same score as everyone else. It all ends in love.
Which brings me to success. Another disillusionment. Another thing designed to help keep busy until we drop our ball, I guess, I should say. Honestly, in the end, what deciphers actual, "success," anyway? Isn't it basically another popularity contest? What- the biggest fan base wins? You've been successful if you have money and a famous name? Cuz any other way you look at it, even within a family tree- after so many generations- you've ceased to ever exist. So who's to say someone that dies with a million dollars and nobody at his funeral is more successful than someone that surfed all day everyday his entire life but had hundreds of people at the beach to scatter his ashes because a funeral was unaffordable? And how are they any more successful than someone that sat on a curb dirty hungry and cold for years and years, only to finally achieve his success of never having to do that again, and not being a "burden" to some of society's inhabitors? Why do we continue to endure this pointless race? Hurdle over so many painful, obstacles on the course; Even after we know that we can't see them in the darkness. The night course always guarantees a trip in the dark on the expected hurdles. All the while getting trampled by the other contestors who are too blinded to see your hand reaching for a help up to get back to the guide to light. Yet we still run. RUN. Competetively. As if at the end of the race there is going to be some trophy or prize to show that you didn't end up in the same place as everyone else who started where you did.
I've decided to take stride. Leisure is definitely better than strain. And I'd much rather take a break and lay down on the grass off to the side of the course and take it in. Catch my breath. Gather insight and perspective of others' tactics and routines. I know I can always just jump back in when I'm ready to catch up some. The problem with that is I find myself laying around so long that I get left in the dust. I lose sight of everyone I've made connection to and I'm almost too scared to jump in on the newcomers, not knowing if they'll think I'm out of my place. That I'm not accepted because I'm not allowed. So I've been laying in this grass for so long, it's starting to grow too tall. It's getting to high above me that I'm scared nobody will see me and offer a smile or helping hand. I have to get up before I'm completely buried and out of sight. I don't want to lay here anymore.
I guess I'm starting to see that the stress/strain is a vicious tennis game, as well... I'll feel it doing what I don't want to, but I feel it doing what I do want to, as well. Everything is this way. I just don't understand it. Everything is a circle. It's like a neverending game of duck-duck-goose. Or musical chairs. Everything ends where it starts. No matter what. It always can come full circle, there is always a way for it to make a complete whole and rounded sense. So basically the only reason I'm really here is to learn. Gather knowledge, and disperse it as I gradually gain enough to release back out. Just like recycling. Except backwards. Because rather than diminishing every turn, it grows and strengthens. Every generation learns from us, they read our books and learn our history, but we did the same, and we built and furthered and excelled all of their knowledge to a new height, beyond theirs. Almost like learning from someone dumber than us, but we can't get there without their lesser input and understanding, first.
What the hell am I going on about, anyway? At least I got a bunch of random bullshit out of my head.... but I didn't really empty anything that is bothering me presently. But oh well. I'll get there eventually.. sometime soon, I'm sure of it.
I'll leave this one at this: Expectation relates to experience. The 2 variables of life. All we know is our experience, and what we hear from others experience, which builds our expectations. Go with what you know. And build off of that on your own. Always remember not to expect anything. Ever. Pain is a result of our own expectations. If we don't expect something, then when it doesn't happen, there can be no let down. Set goals rather than expectations. Aspire rather than hope. Turn what you want into what you have. Don't just sit on a rock and wish on a star.
I'm out like shout. Rolling like the tide. Bitches.
Haha. Sooo I'm sitting at Mary's house. ALONE! haha cuz she's at work. Aaaand, basically I don't live at home anymore. I'm going back to Jessica's tonight. I'd like to go to Jill's and see her but for some reason when i want to hang out she's "Not sure if she's going to be able to stay home" But then always ends up there. SO yah. Eff all that bullshit, I give up. If the girl wants to be my "best friend" then good luck with that now that I'm not gonna bother trying to talk to you, cuz I know better and she won't put in any effort to talk to me. But I guess thats just how you sort through the good and bad friends. And thats kind of what I need to start doing with my life. I mean.. I'm tired of everyone. Really. Everyone licks nasty sweaty hairy balls. And I mean it. Theres only a select few that don't, and thats because I know they care and will always be there. No matter what. People like my cousin, people like Mary.. Emili! Holy shit i love that fucking girl. I've barely known this girl for a month or so now.. and even SHE tries harder to get ahold of me than Jill. Fucking awesome, right? Glad I mean that much to you. I'm starting to think that her words are just words. And most of the people she thinks are such awesome great true friends to her.. she's gonna be really disappointed to find out in the end that they're not going to be there like I would have been. But thats all good, thats something you gotta figure out for yourself. Learn from your mistakes. She's young, she can afford it and get away without caring. So good luck to her with everything. Cuz I'm way done with that. As for boys... oh my jeeze I don't even know. I pretty much give up on EJ. I'm basically THROWING him at bridget. Please take him. Make me get over it! Helppp! Haha. It's so weird to me to not want him anymore. I like.. want him to be with her. She seems so effing awesome, I think they'd be good for each other. As for me.. I want someone else. Buuuut he's got a girlfriend. Yah. And then theres another one I like... buuuut he lives kinda far away, so I wouldn't get to see him anyway. Haha, so my boy situation is a little effed up. But I'll live. Oh and then theres this super cute one in bonita, but I think he's more fun to look at than to think about as a potential. Hah basically cuz he's just too cute. And way not talkative, but! DEFINITELY fun to look at.
Uhm, not really in the mood to finish this! hhaha Oh well. next time, kids.