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I'm a big fat loser.

so DEAL with it. I am.

1/13/12 05:42 pm

I guess i don't really have anything specific to write about.. but that's normal.. I'm sure it'll all come pouring out soon enough. I need to get a job. I need to start my life. I'm consistently at a stand still with progress. Stagnant. Now that ive got the reason and drive to do something with myself, I'm in such a hole that i don't know where to start. The one positive in my life is that I've got such an amazing supportive understanding and patient person in my life. My boyfriend. He is the one I'm going to marry this man so hard. Other than him though, my world is stressful, unreal, selfish, unempathetic, and conflicting. I feel confused.. like i can't tell if its me or them. Everyone seems to brush me off.. like i can't tell if I am unappreciated, or if i expect too much.. or if i just do things that i think are not as much of an impact as i think. Maybe I'm too nice and it comes off in a negative way.. like fake? Maybe I'm just too sensitive... but on the real, i shouldn't even be sitting here trippin all the time.. it's not worth thetoll it has on me. It taxes my livelihood, when instead i should be using whatever this feeling is to push me to get up and go. To get the duck away and focus on myself. Because i know I'm a good fucking person. I know I'm honest, and caring, and genuine. So what the hell does it mean to me that someone else cannot see it and reciprocate itor even have the ability to recognize it? Freal though, fuck the bullshit, fuck the bitches and the ones that will never make it where they like to talk about being someday. I'm good on this.. hahahaha

6/1/11 12:13 am - My thoughts in plain color... to the one that listens. HAH. internet.

At least until I can find someone that'll be there for me the way katie was. I can't talk to my mom, because she's tired of it. Ever since Amber got out of control with her drinking, according to my maj- the only reason I have any problems in my life at all is because I drink and smoke weed. Which isn't wrong, by any means. But the drinking and smoking weed goes so much further than that. It cures my inability to fall asleep due to stress and my past years of nocturnal practice.. I guess thats not really what I feel like getting off of my mind, though. I feel like I did 3 years ago. Close to rock bottom-- with what I've done with my life this fa? I still have a hard time believing in anybody, let alone myself. I still don't believe in supporting myself in misery just to have a house to live in and food to eat... but fuck it, lets be real. Thats how it has to be. I've been saying for as long as I can remember that I need to get my life together, figure out how to feel motivated to work and survive like a normal human being. And still to this day I see that there's no way around working and most likely doing what I don't like or doing something that I could live with if I have to, but not really live comfortably. And it's here. That time is here where I need to get a job before I can't even get a respectable interview because I've done nothing but dick around. Giving in to society and waste my life away in an undesired box everyday. All day. Out of indirect force. How am I supposed to do this? Where do I find the motivation I've been lacking all my life? Where do I get the drive I need to want to grow or mature... fuck- to even survive? I still lack that need to keep myself alive. No self preservation. Never had it. Don't think I ever will. The only reason for my being isn't because I want to be here. I don't like feeling this. I don't like hating me, I don't like being scared that I'm going to hurt. I hurt enough and I don't even know why. I hate worrying about who is going to help me with pain next. It messes with me. And it messes with my relationships. The people I love are the people that keep me alive. The last thing I ever want is to hurt the ones i love. They're my motivation. But it's not enough. It's enough to keep me breathing... but while I'm breathing I'm nothing but some kind of burden to them all. Either by stress, or finance, or sudden distance with no reasoning why. I'm selfish. And lazy. End of story. I'm 25 and that's pretty much the only thing I've learned about what I've developed of myself on my own. I was given MORE than any and every tool I needed to be successful, happy, respectable and someone to make people proud. But no, instead I run off to do drugs.. then when I fuck my life and world up so incredibly bad, I come running back scared and unprepared. And instead of moving forward and making progress in my life as somebody that had everything handed to her on a silver platter, I sit at home. Go to school for a couple hours. Come back home and drink or smoke weed. Really? Like, yeah, great-- cool, you stopped doing hardcore drugs. But wtf after that? I'm really okay with that being my biggest accomplishment? I fucked my life up so horribly that I'm okay with settling for "what did you do with your life?" "me? Oh.. yeah. I got sober. Kind of.." I just don't understand anything that goes on in my brain. I want a job. Because I hate the way I feel when I'm sitting in a house doing nothing. I have more motivation than I did before, but still none. The only thing that makes me want to be a better person everyday is my boyfriend. I hate that he works all day everyday and I'm sitting at home waiting around for him to get back. I hate even more that the entire time he's gone I'm scared. I'm terrified of so many things in this relationship. And they all seem like such valid fears in my eyes... but I know how my brain works. It's about as able to function as a 90 year old hooker's brain... which isn't a good thing, I would assume. I mean.. I know I've got issues with trust. Always have, it's only gotten worse as I've had to deal with people more and more. And it's not a secret to anybody. But it makes me crazy (literally, according to my love) that a relationship as close to perfect as any could ever get could just go down the hypothetical shitter in my brain of 'possibilities.' But I don't know any other way to do it. I tried trusting blindly and giving my all without concern or question. It doesn't work. Ever. And no, don't "bu- bu- bu- bu- but" me. Never. Fucking ever. There will never EVER be a relationship where something doesn't happen on one side or the other to fuck up some line of trust. And while most things are so petty and unimportant, I've had the misfortune of learning the opposite. Anything that seems possible probably is. Because it always has been. What I think is happening, may not be 100% on the money, but it's never too far off from reality. And after so many years of that disappointment, you stop blaming assholes. You blame yourself. For consistently allowing it to happen to you. For not deserving what you were promised over and over since you were a tiny tiny girl-- not being good enough? Pretty enough, funny enough... giving enough.. For not being important enough to deserve or find better. Or for even believing that there might be better? (uhm, which there is, I've found it.. but that still doesn't change what my past has damaged.) Once you've accustomed (disgustingly digested and regurgitated repetitively) yourself to that devastating reality, not only is it impossible to reverse it, but you refuse to. You don't want to forget, because feeling that way never gets normal. It never gets old. It always hurts. And I can't help but be more protective than I've ever been before, because i've never had something like this. I've never felt such genuine LOVE... from my heart and someone else's towards me. I'm used to losing it, and I'm used to giving my all and realizing that i was only worth the time in between the next sheet, and nothing more... sometimes something to do to pass time til they get back to the past sheet.. a stepping stone. Either way it's a feeling I don't forget and I won't get surprised by it again. Ever. Been there, done that. And as long as I can keep reminding myself that no matter how much I love THEM, once it's done to me again, it shouldn't hurt as much, because they still didn't love me, just like the rest. I wish I could though. I wish that this could be the beginning of my dating experiences so I could go into this love blindly and actually enjoy it fully with no fears and no questions.(and I mean, genuine beginning.. not just some sob story about having no experience and only one or 2 girlfriends, but really fucked every chick you could find and dated whoever else I couldn't get into) I wish I didn't have the feeling of urgency to check up and snoop around and confirm truths, but it's good that I do. It always turns out best that I've learned the shit I've learned. Because there's always something. And for some reason theres always something that "isn't a big deal" it was always "before" something important changed you and all that other shit. zdfgvbhe dglkhnbresblgskjbfgsldkngfm FUCK. I hate that shit. I hate that I have to be right about stupid shit. I hate that I have to give so much of a fuck that I dig so deep that i find shit out and just fuck everything up. I hate thinking about this dumb fucking slut everyday. Some fucking bitch that didn't give a FUCK. EVER. OBVIOUSLY. Otherwise she could have gone home with you instead of some random fucking dude after one night of drinks and ass grabbing. But then again with a track record that I finally had to find out about sooo late into the situation, it's probably no surprise or no big deal. Which is probably why you did fuck that chick. While the first 3 months we were dating when you "loved me.... but not like you do now" I HATE that this bitch never leaves MY head. I never met the hooker. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT HER like you do. I shouldn't have top reminisce in your head about fucking her on a pillow which was apparently so amazing that you couldn't do anything but think about that. But its cool... cuz now we both get to think about it. I know do. everyday. literally. When we have sex, I'm convinced its her that you're thinking of. Which is why you rarely fuck me... but when you do, its quick... except once in a while... you'll last for a while, but it's been so long that you shouldn't be, because you normally can't... so who's been keeping up the stamina? Do you see what you've added to me? You're not that guy., Up and down you swore and SWEAR. But how the FUCK am I supposed to get past it when I've told you since day one.. since BEFORE DAY ONE that the SMALLEST thing will make me do this. For some reason it's affected me in the worst way. Between you telling my that you had "like, NO experience with girls and dating and stuff like that" and me finding out that almost every fucking chick on your facebook had to be deleted by you because there was some kind of past? And that you actually felt that YOU had to delete them? And the way you always make sure to tell me just enough of the truth to be acceptable... until the rest comes out and then it's like --SURE, you can ACT confused like you don't know what the fuck you did wrong, but you DO. You fucking lied. You omitted shit and theres only one reason to do that. And it isn't because I still have something to resolve, it's not my feelings I asked you to protect. I asked you for honesty. And thats what I've given you. So tell me how am I supposed to stop freaking out at random? How am I supposed to tell MYSELF with my lessons learned that YOU aren't doing what I see as possible? Why wouldn't I believe you when you say you have no idea WTF is up with all your random facebooks, and how you just all of a sudden delete your myspace when you had to "keep it to keep in touch" with the chick that says she's you baby's mom, but you are 100% sure that its not? AGAIN I call bullshit. And I know you've got just as much of a feeling that I'm not gonna be the one that gets to have your first baby... because if you didn't think it was yours, you'd have taken the test and gotten the chick off your ass by now. Little shit. I told him. Little things is all it takes to send the ball rolling in my head, and once it starts, it's hard to make it stop. How are you going to fix something like me? You can't. You can't convince me when you're leaving the house everyday that you're not going to meet up with some bitch I don't know about. I don't know that you're not going to hang out with cynthia on one of her trips to san diego with "reasons that she can't display on facebook" I understand that shit pretty much 99% has nothing to do with us... but I'm sure you can see how I can plug it in and think to myself and get the way I am by the time you get home. When you're asking why I look so sad. Because Im scared. I'm scared that you want someone else. I'm scared I'm just here til you can get the fuck on. Til you can get her back for just one more night on a pillow. And leave. The best and only thing I've found and want to keep. I'm not supposed to be scared of you after I get through this part. I'm supposed to say fuck it and not give a fuck from there on out... but I can't. I love you. Like really. "Too much" love you.. you were so convincing. It scares me that you're still just as convincing.. i shouldn't have to worry about what you're leaving out of your story for the day. YOURE right, I shouldn't be mean and crazy 123487234875623059 questions when I call, but I am. And thats how it is. Now maybe it'd make sense. I really believed EVERYTHING you said, with no questions. So now ahe should understand when I question him at seemingly random unfair times. Because I'm stuck here thinking scared all day that you're doing the same thing as everyone else has. You're not completely different from them.... you've already proved it a little bit. that you can still lie with the best of them... and lay... And it's a little ridiculous for me to get upset when you make a joke like "here's some quarters for the bus" after hop off your dick.. I get it, over reacted. And I'm sorry I don't see us "making sex" like you call it. It's something important to me. I've never fucked someone that I wasn't in a relationship. because sex is important, it's a connection, it's intimate and it's something special. I'm sorry it's not some casual thing that just happens whenever: "Maybe I can get away with it, it's only been a couple months.. I love her, but not like it sounds. I can still fuck someone else, or at least talk about it late and night. when it's the only thing on my mind. god knows it's clearly not THAT GIRL I LOVE" should have been your first fucking clue you FUCK. I gotta stop. I'm ruining my own night. I'll finish this when I'm ready to stop talking about shit like this. this isn't supposed to be rant about my easily provoked paranoia. I'm supposed to be venting about ME. Why I SUCK. why I can't seem to do anything good for myself. Even when I do, I make sure to dig and dig and dig until I find something that I can chip away at until I fuck it off and don't have anything good anymore. THATS why I'mn sad. THATS why I'm depressed. That is why I don't like who I am or where my life is at right now. Because i found someone that treats me about as good as I've ever been treated... and I'm still digging around to find something to prove otherwise. I guess I just hate when I actually find it. Fuck it, though. Thats what I get. If I trust em too much i dig until I find the reason they give me to ruin it. I fucking hate me.

6/1/10 01:53 am

I hate myself right now... I feel like such a loser pile of crap.. I'm never going to getbit together.. What the hell is wrong with me? I need help.. I need a real friend that I can trust to be there for me and help push me without forcing me into something scary or something I'll resent them for.

5/9/09 02:52 pm

Well... I am finally doing it. I'm giving myself the respect and support that I deserve but never recieved. It sucks that it is going to be this way, but what can I do? I tried for so long with no definitive progress and I continued to give myself away for him. I put myself in the dirt, even underground just to make sure that he was happy.. What it came down to was the fact that he didn't care the way I did, and he didn't trust me. I didn't trust him for shit- with reason- but still , I loved him enough to sacrifice my happiness so he could be happy. But he never was. I even made sure to do what I had to do to make him still feel happy when he was feeling bad, I would make it so I would hurt me for him, so he wouldn't have to feel bad by doing it... Stupid! What the fuck was I thinking?

5/8/09 05:33 pm - Keepin it Unreal. How's that for an I-N-U-END-o.

So my thoughts are too much for you, when I break them down. You seem to prefer the summary... I suggest you go to dogpile so you can cheat with the cliffsnotes:

I keep on. I've been keeping on. I keep on giving and giving and giving. I keep on making mistakes, but I keep on learning. I Keep on keeping in mind what you see as respect. And more importantly, I keep in mind what you see as DISRESPECT. I keep away from the ones that you don't approve of. The ones that keep away from morals, the ones that keep me in harms way, the ones that keep disrespecting you or me.. I keep to myself when you keep teaching me the lessons that I keep myself from repeating after the first offense. I keep turning my head when I hear about, find out about and yes, once, even SEE for myself the things you keep denying. I keep having your back when I keep getting told how stupid I am, as if I don't see the looks that keep getting shot at me. I keep by your side through all of this, and more. And yet, you keep questioning me. I keep trying to understand you and have faith in you when you keep doing the things to me that make you distrust me.. But I keep trying repeatedly. You can't keep the same in me after just once? You keep thinking this is an investigation, like you're some kind of victim. Like I keep you hostage and you have to escape the horrible terrors. But the bars I keep aren't binding to you, I keep myself behind the bars you showed me how to build. The problem is I've gotten to the point where I've had to keep the wool that used to keep my heart warm over my eyes so I can keep our love from seeing the reality. I keep trying to show you, I keep trying to prove myself. But you keep pushing me away. You can't keep up with all the excuses you keep throwing out at me to keep me from being the keeper of your heart. You keep trying to push me further and further back, but you're backing yourself against a wall. But I keep correcting my wrongs and improving myself to show you that my love is worth keeping.

I can't stop thinking that I'm spelling keeping wrong, because I keep typing it so much that it's keeps looking weird.

Anyway, the problem lies in that I keep in mind that you would feel disrespected if I ever talked to zoner after the night he tried to swoop on me and even mentioned that he would be able to take you in a fight. So I keep myself from doing so. I keep in mind that you feel it's disrespectful to take off with anyone without letting you know, as well as be around anyone that I've had a past with.. so I keep away from them. I could keep going on and on about the things i remember I did, and make sure not to do them again, but you've got it covered. You keep reminding me of what I've learned by doing the same thing I did once- over and over again. I keep by your side through thick and thin, I keep letting everything go and enabling you to keep being a FUCK to me, yet I keep my hand in yours-- whenever you aren't dropping it.

But I can't keep being with you. Because you don't keep me in your heart. You don't keep respect for me. You don't keep equality, nor love, nor care, nor a THOUGHT of fucking anything for me.

Keep this in mind::

Put a foot in my shoe, JUST ONE. And lie to me some more. Tell me that after everything, you'd still be where I was. And then, tell me that even after that, you would apologize to me for kicking you out of our house because you got too loud, so the dude standing behind me-- the guy that just tried to stab you-- he can stay, I have his back. Even though I don't respect him, and he's everything I've ever said I would never be around, and I make sure to badger you for ever being with anyone like him.

Alright, thats too hard. Tell me how the fuck you expect me to feel remorse or guilt for not going to your court date. Even after everything that I have continued to push through, everything that I have endured with you, experienced with you, supported you through, even after the shit you know AND I know, but you will never admit to-- even after all of this... still, you would be okay with me doing what you went to do on the "last night" you had free. Not only did you leave to be with her, of all people after everything you've said about her.. and I still gave the okay, but you took it above and beyond. And you still had the balls to act MAD at ME? Like you couldn't stand to be around me as if I did something WRONG to you?

Cuz you would never even THINK to ...god... you'd probably fuck my world up if I went to kick it with someone that tried to stab you, and fucked me? I mean... you wouldn't even fathom apologizing to anyone for getting loud after someone pulled a knife on you.. I KNOW that if you put yourself in MY shoes, even for the past 2 or 3 weeks... and you thought about EVERYTHING we've been through just in THAT little amount of time... You would have killed me by now, but the only reason it wouldn't get to that point is because you would have written me off with your own blood to the devil after the first day.

the fact that even after you took off.... the most disrespectful thing of ALL.. I cared about you and loved you enough to take it above and beyond that... I DISRESPECTED MYSELF for you, and told you that I would not only SHAKE HANDS with that person, but do it so that YOU could come home with her and be comfortable in OUR room without any disruptions or problems.

Tell me you would do that for me. Tell me that you love me that much.

Actually, tell me when you're willing to do that for me, or prove some kind of equivelant, because until that day, I will NOT be with you.

You don't love me, and you can't tell... I'm telling you I can keep in mind for the both of us-- You are NOT in love with me. And you are NOT in any way validated to mistrust ME.

FUCK you. You're making me talk like an angry new york italian. so tell me WHERE DO YOU GET THE BALLS? and why didn't you KEEP them? Bitch.

5/7/09 03:16 am - Fuck I am an IDIOT sometimes!

alright. Good job erica you are still completely ducking STUPID because you fail to realize how things really are. You seem to fool yourself into believing that you finally got all your shit figured out, but of course there's never a dull moment with the " but wait THERES MORE" twist endings. So maybe some dayS I'm told I'm crazy when I'm not. And maybe some days a hear the only man I've ever loved the way I do have sex with some hooker in the same house as me the day we decide not to be together. Maybe some days I get stronger and stronger. And maybe some days I just can't take anymore of the spoonfed bullshit. Maybe some days all I want is that. Backhand reality check from hell that hits me so hard it sends me into the ground so hard that it knocks the wind out of me. Maybe some days I don't want to recover from the blow. And maybe some days recovery is all I want, but I just don't have a choice. Today is the day that maybe went away, because there's no maybe when I decide that the white flag is waving in the air in defeat. You did it, POPCORN PLAYA. You erased my proudly badged heart. I took my shirt with my heart spattered sleeve abs burned it in the fire with the rest of your memories that were so fraudulantly stamped. You took away the last and only standing innocence of a tainted girls heart. You turned that broken heart to stone. You did what you had done to you. You passed along that eternal emptiness of your belief system in the real worlds state of mind. Fuck love. There is no such thing. TRY AND PROVE ME WRONG. AND ILL SHOW YOU. Fuck you.

4/13/09 10:04 pm

I don't have anybody to talk to, anymore. Thats one of the most outrageous things I've said in a long time... but it's for real. I mean, I've got my mom. But I'm talking someone else. Like I used to have Katie or Jilly Bean or Teezy.. and I know I've still got teezy but that's not always the best person for me to have to talk to. I don't even know what I would talk about if I had someone, anyway. I just don't feel right. I always feel so much more alone than I am or really even have to be. But it's because I'm having such a hard time fully catching a grasp on myself. I'm so blank and empty. I don't know what I like. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know who I am at all. I know who I was. And I know who I'd like to be. There are just so many things I have to say. And they're all about pointless "nobody gives a fuck" stuff. Mainly myself. What I think. What I am going through.. which is weird, cuz I don't think I have enough going on in my life to be going through anything, really. Maybe that's why I feel like I have so much loss of my Me. I've basically gone from a fully packed non-scheduled day to a scheduled routine of nothing. It's a big problem for me. It makes me dependant. I've noticed myself latching and clinging to things and people when it's uneccessary, and unhealthy. I've started into living life through others because I'm too busy lacking in self-importance to try to put my life back together so I can start living mine. What's even more entertaining is that I actually get frustrated, upset and even annoyed at the people trying to motivate or push me into the direction of the path I'm blindly scrambling to reconnect to.

I'm thinking my main priority to get myself to accomplish anything at all would depend on my number one issue; If I could learn to give a damn about myself maybe I'd gain some initiative and desire to do something for myself. I mean, it's nothing I shouldn't be able to snap out of without some self control and mental strength. I don't believe in anything, which makes it hard to believe in myself..... or maybe it's the other way around. I don't know. Maybe I just have no faith at all, that could be an explanation. I don't believe in existing. I don't believe in happiness. Or success. The only thing I believe in is freedom.  But the truth is you can not know freedom without limits. And I should understand the balance of it because thats the reason i don't believe in anything else... everything cancels everything out... I don't want to get into it. But it is true; without limits we can never know freedom. But I see freedom as my existence. And My limitations are my body and the outside world. Therefore I want to be free to do my thing. I want to be able to do my life my way, I only get this once. Why not do it my way? If it ends up being what I don't want and I don't need- even can't repair in the longrun- it's my freedom to make that choice and mistake and I will be free to do what I feel free to do afterwards. I don't understand why I would spend my life stressing, straining, paining myself everyday to do something that I don't enjoy or want to do. I don't want to endure the majority of my time in a situation that I don't enjoy and I don't gain anything from, either. I'd rather take my time making myself happy and doing what I would like to do in my own time, and get to what I feel is the right thing to do at the right time for me. Basically, if I am going to be doing the same thing everyday for most of my life, it's going to be something I know I like and will benefit from, whether it is financially or just mentally. And I am not going to stress and pressure myself just to make the society and outsiders stop judging and criticizing. Shut up and think about how much you wish you were able to do what you please with no boundaries or restraints. It's not my fault you don't have the brains and means to live that way and successfully be able to continue on with forward movement. Anyone can, they just need to know what they need to accomplish and keep certain aspects in mind for future tense.

Happiness. That has been a tough one for me. I mean- I understand it. I've felt it. But it seems more like a tennis game. If you're not on one side, you're on the other.. you're just waiting for that one hit that will send you back to the opposite. I mean, every serve and return is just a newer level of intensity. You start out knowing simple happiness, joy of ignorance, we'll say. Then, simple upset, which would be standard discomfort. Like going from warmth to cold- birth. First upset. First change of feeling; From comfortable and content to an all new unknown disruption of experience. The first serve and return. The return to the other side of the court of joy would probably be followed by a new feeling of comfort- a blanket, food, mom. All new experiences, but all new joy, because it's returning you from that distress. It just continues on like that through life. Back. Forth. Back. Forth. All the while never mattering which side of the court the ball finally drops on, because it would be the ending of your game. Tie. Same score as everyone else. It all ends in love.

Which brings me to success. Another disillusionment. Another thing designed to help keep busy until we drop our ball,  I guess, I should say. Honestly, in the end, what deciphers actual, "success," anyway? Isn't it basically another popularity contest? What- the biggest fan base wins? You've been successful if you have money and a famous name? Cuz any other way you look at it, even within a family tree- after so many generations- you've ceased to ever exist. So who's to say someone that dies with a million dollars and nobody at his funeral is more successful than someone that surfed all day everyday his entire life but had hundreds of people at the beach to scatter his ashes because a funeral was unaffordable? And how are they any more successful than someone that sat on a curb dirty hungry and cold for years and years, only to finally achieve his success of never having to do that again, and not being a "burden" to some of society's inhabitors? Why do we continue to endure this pointless race? Hurdle over so many painful, obstacles on the course; Even after we know that we can't see them in the darkness. The night course always guarantees a trip in the dark on the expected hurdles. All the while getting trampled by the other contestors who are too blinded to see your hand reaching for a help up to get back to the guide to light. Yet we still run. RUN. Competetively. As if at the end of the race there is going to be some trophy or prize to show that you didn't end up in the same place as everyone else who started where you did.

I've decided to take stride. Leisure is definitely better than strain. And I'd much rather take a break and lay down on the grass off to the side of the course and take it in. Catch my breath. Gather insight and perspective of others' tactics and routines. I know I can always just jump back in when I'm ready to catch up some.  The problem with that is I find myself laying around so long that I get left in the dust. I lose sight of everyone I've made connection to and I'm almost too scared to jump in on the newcomers, not knowing if they'll think I'm out of my place. That I'm not accepted because I'm not allowed. So I've been laying in this grass for so long, it's starting to grow too tall. It's getting to high above me that I'm scared nobody will see me and offer a smile or helping hand. I have to get up before I'm completely buried and out of sight. I don't want to lay here anymore.

I guess I'm starting to see that the stress/strain is a vicious tennis game, as well... I'll feel it doing what I don't want to, but I feel it doing what I do want to, as well. Everything is this way. I just don't understand it. Everything is a circle. It's like a neverending game of duck-duck-goose. Or musical chairs. Everything ends where it starts. No matter what. It always can come full circle, there is always a way for it to make a complete whole and rounded sense. So basically the only reason I'm really here is to learn. Gather knowledge, and disperse it as I gradually gain enough to release back out. Just like recycling. Except backwards. Because rather than diminishing every turn, it grows and strengthens.  Every generation learns from us, they read our books and learn our history, but we did the same, and we built and furthered and excelled all of their knowledge to a new height, beyond theirs. Almost like learning from someone dumber than us, but we can't get there without their lesser input and understanding, first.

What the hell am I going on about, anyway? At least I got a bunch of random bullshit out of my head.... but I didn't really empty anything that is bothering me presently. But oh well. I'll get there eventually.. sometime soon, I'm sure of it.

I'll leave this one at this: Expectation relates to experience. The 2 variables of life. All we know is our experience, and what we hear from others experience, which builds our expectations. Go with what you know. And build off of that on your own. Always remember not to expect anything. Ever. Pain is a result of our own expectations. If we don't expect something, then when it doesn't happen, there can be no let down. Set goals rather than expectations. Aspire rather than hope. Turn what you want into what you have. Don't just sit on a rock and wish on a star.

I'm out like shout. Rolling like the tide. Bitches.

4/13/09 02:55 pm

So it's been for fucking ever since i've written in this thing... but I guess if there was ever a due time, it'd be now. I'm in this mode where I am almost numb... practically... I might as well be. I'm so indifferent about everything.. not even indifferent, just so widely unhappy. I have so many confusing thoughts and feelings. I don't know how to differentiate between one thought and another. I remember being able to have complete control of myself. I remember knowing what I wanted. what I didn't. And I had no problem making sure that it went that way and only that way, fuck everybody else, if they're down, then lets do it... if not, then I'll see them again the next trip around. For some reason I've lost that sense of balance within myself. It's past that though... it's scary.. I've gone from not understanding what I'm feeling and then escelated to losing myself as an independant person, as a whole.  I think I've muted myself so consistantly with my personal thoughts, feelings, opinions, and ideas- that I've forgotten how to construct them, and I've forgotten what I like to do. I feel like I'm a zombie, just blank mindless and without a soul. I'm not even a complete person, anymore. I can't even remember how to think for myself. I don't know why I let myself accept this decision to change my personality and originality because of someone else's judgement and opinions. I recall so many things I've lost in myself. But I can't initiate any of them and induce them back into functional transgression. I guess the saying applies to much more than I let myself to believe.. "easy come easy go." I always related that solely to money. But as I think more, I acknowledge the reality. It took me almost my entire beginning years of  educated life to further myself and evolve my mentality to the preferred state of mind. Years I was used to being told that I was wrong, or dumb, or ridiculous, or unreasonable in some sense. It hushed me some, I felt like I didn't need to voice my opinion or ideas, because I would be wrong or stupid, and I didn't want everyone else to know that, too. But by the time I made my progress in personal growth, I was around 19 or 20 years old. Being 23, it's already dwindled to less than I started with. Easy come, easy go. The conclusions I'd come to are now coming to new realizations. Before I'd completely entered the state of mind I'm currently residing, I was still upset- yet accepting of the fact that I'd be starting back at square one with my progress. I was hurt that I had let someone take a toll on my newly constructed self, because somebody so unworthy and ineffectual should never have been enabled to show me that I hadn't made the complete forward movement with my independant strong minded mentality. But I was alright with accepting it, because I had already gotten myself to that point once, I'd be able to reconstruct at least to that point much more quickly and effectively than before. What I didn't realize was that getting to that point of view and then falling back down to where I started would be much more detrimental to me after feeling the heightened experience because it enables the opposing equal. Basically the first time I'm feeling a greater intensity of confidence because it's the first change. But once I feel the first let down of confidence, since my new increased understanding, it allows me to feel an even greater depression and effect of it because it's a new level.. I'm rambling. Fuck. Basically instead of being able to get myself back up to where I was at with ease, I have to start worse off then before. Instead of being shy, I'm thoughtless. Rather than being wary of what I say, I no longer know how to formulate, let alone voice an opinion... I'll finish this later. I'm freaking so tired. I'm gonna take a nap or someeee thingggg. Deucees.

6/26/05 02:20 am

Soooo.. basically, I don't know really where to start. It's pretty gay when it seems like the only person you can relate to is your "enemy" Not that we are.. but I guess we're supposed to be. Either way. It's stupid that I've got all the "close" friends and none of them seem to really be there. Actually, I think it's the stupidest thing ever. I don't really know who the fuck to go to for what. Because I don't know whats going to be said later when I'm not around. I hate this feeling. Like... theres so many people that say i can talk to them about anything no matter what. They'd love to help they love me blah blah blah.. but then I hear all this other bullshit and I don't really know anymore. I don't know what goes on with anything. I can honestly say that I hate trust and I will never understand how a word was even made for this feeling, because there is no reason to to feel it. There is no point in feeling trust, because it comes from honesty in a person other than yourself.. and thats impssible In everyone. NOBODY tells the truth about anything. I don't know if it's because they think the truth can't be handled, or they think that the person will get mad for hearing it, but either way, I dont see the point in avoiding it. It's all going to come out in the end. No matter what. The truth ALWAYS comes out. And when it does, it just makes everything so much worse. I just don't understand how we can expect honesty from anyone else when we can't even be honest with ourselves. I just hate the feeling of knowing that I'd do anything. I'd put ANYTHING and EVERYTHING on the line for so many of the people that have been tearing me down daily. And I don't know why. But each day someone new shows me that I shouldn't count on them cuz in the end it's not help because they want to or cuz they love you. It's help because it's pity. because they feel bad. it's basically a "yeah.. i'm helping her.. but only cuz i'm scared she'll kill herself if I dont." it's so sad that half the people in the entry I just wrote earlier today are like this. I think I'd be more happy if I actually was alone. Completely. It's SO much less disappointing that way. I wish I could teach myself to truely NOT care. About anything or anyone. I wish I could teach myself to care about me. I wish I wouldn't give myself away so easily to the people I love. And I wish I wasn't the bend over backwards to make you happy kind of person.. I guess i'm not completely.. but when it comes to people I truely care about, I can't help but try. I just want life to be easy again. I want blind love back. I want to have true friends again. I want to believe in trust. I want to believe in love and happiness. I want to believe in myself.. and I want to believe in REAL people.

I'm so fucking tired of fake shit. so I guess as a favor to me to whoever actually wastes their time reading this... if you ever talk to me... PLEASE just be fucking honest with me. tell me what the fuck you're thinking and say what you fucking mean. Maybe that way you'll be happier in the end, and so will I.

It would be so sick to just get a completely new life. Like new friends, new surroundings, new family. just everything different. Cuz really as of now, I can't think of a single thing I'd miss.

6/25/05 01:13 pm - I'm just CA-RAZEEE!

Haha. Sooo I'm sitting at Mary's house. ALONE! haha cuz she's at work. Aaaand, basically I don't live at home anymore. I'm going back to Jessica's tonight. I'd like to go to Jill's and see her but for some reason when i want to hang out she's "Not sure if she's going to be able to stay home" But then always ends up there. SO yah. Eff all that bullshit, I give up. If the girl wants to be my "best friend" then good luck with that now that I'm not gonna bother trying to talk to you, cuz I know better and she won't put in any effort to talk to me. But I guess thats just how you sort through the good and bad friends. And thats kind of what I need to start doing with my life. I mean.. I'm tired of everyone. Really. Everyone licks nasty sweaty hairy balls. And I mean it. Theres only a select few that don't, and thats because I know they care and will always be there. No matter what. People like my cousin, people like Mary.. Emili! Holy shit i love that fucking girl. I've barely known this girl for a month or so now.. and even SHE tries harder to get ahold of me than Jill. Fucking awesome, right? Glad I mean that much to you. I'm starting to think that her words are just words. And most of the people she thinks are such awesome great true friends to her.. she's gonna be really disappointed to find out in the end that they're not going to be there like I would have been. But thats all good, thats something you gotta figure out for yourself. Learn from your mistakes. She's young, she can afford it and get away without caring. So good luck to her with everything. Cuz I'm way done with that. As for boys... oh my jeeze I don't even know. I pretty much give up on EJ. I'm basically THROWING him at bridget. Please take him. Make me get over it! Helppp! Haha. It's so weird to me to not want him anymore. I like.. want him to be with her. She seems so effing awesome, I think they'd be good for each other. As for me.. I want someone else. Buuuut he's got a girlfriend. Yah. And then theres another one I like... buuuut he lives kinda far away, so I wouldn't get to see him anyway. Haha, so my boy situation is a little effed up. But I'll live.  Oh and then theres this super cute one in bonita, but I think he's more fun to look at than to think about as a potential. Hah basically cuz he's just too cute. And way not talkative, but! DEFINITELY fun to look at. 


Uhm, not really in the mood to finish this! hhaha Oh well. next time, kids.

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